I’m Breaking Up With You, Popeyes

That ^^^ looks good, doesn’t it? I mean, if you don’t love fried chicken can you even consider yourself an American? And for decades of my life the best fried chicken I could find regularly near me was from Popeyes. Corporate chain food never got better than this. Until it didn’t.

Backstory: I grew up in Blue Island, IL and as a kid fried chicken for my family was either from the KFC that used to be on Western Avenue (it turned into a title loan place I believe and now even that’s empty) across from my dad’s favorite liquor store, Miska’s Liquors (now named United Liquors) or from Riverdale Broasted Chicken in Calumet City on Halsted Street (rest in peace - the building is still there - a haunting reminder of the ghost of chicken past). Riverdale Broasted Chicken was the absolute bomb, if I may get all Guy Fieri on you. They put out amazing chicken with a crackly crust and moist flesh. They did a great broasted potato as well. You just couldn’t beat this place. I distinctly remember my mother, my brother and/or sister and myself almost always being the only white folk in there (one day let me regale you with my memories of the great George’s Rib Shack on Sibley Boulevard in Harvey, IL that was my de facto place for BBQ in my pre-25 years).

Our family loved some fried chicken back then. For some reason though, KFC was always “special” chicken. Back then my mom was raising the three of us pretty much on her own. My dad had fled to Florida after the police became too much of a problem for him here and she not only held two or three jobs at any given time, but also went and got an associate’s degree from a community college. I’ve never put effort into anything in my life that matches what that amazing woman did back then. So when I say that KFC was “special” you better believe having takeout fried chicken was truly a huge thing for us.

Not to get maudlin, but the night after my brother Jeffrey died (at the way too young age of 15) in November 1991, once my grandparents drove up from North Carolina, we got KFC for dinner. I believe I insisted upon it.

Then, mere weeks after his passing, I was coming home from work and decided to take a detour and finally try the Popeyes (12100 Western Avenue) that had been there for years. I don’t know why it took me that long to finally try Popeyes. I was already years into a fascination with New Orleans, its music and its food, so Popeyes would have seemed like a natural entryway for me into New Orleans cuisine.

I honestly cannot remember what I ordered that day. I figure it was probably a 2 piece, mild & dark with mashed potatoes and a small drink (I don’t think I wanted to risk too much at first - similar to how I tend to get a sausage pizza when trying a new pizzeria). All I do know is that when I bit into that chicken my senses went into overdrive. Even the mild had a flavor that was missing in all the other fried chicken I had ever eaten. I went back to Popeyes another few times before the end of the year. I was a bit obsessed.

For most of the next decade or so I cannot seem to remember eating Popeyes all that much. No idea why I didn’t. Maybe it had to do with evolving forays into cooking. It wasn’t until my ex-wife and our son moved from Wheeling, IL to Grayslake, IL that I recall reingratiating myself with their food. There was one a few miles away in Round Lake Beach, IL (221 E. Rollins Road) and I just started gravitating back to it. By this time my palette had changed dramatically and with the rise of Food Network and Anthony Bourdain entering my stratosphere I found myself trying to purposefully avoiding boring food that lacked flavor. The Round Lake Beach Popeyes was intoxicating to me. I would pass by it and the smell of the fried chicken wafting in the air would call to me. It could even bring me out of a bad mood. That bad mood improved considerably once I started eating.

Eventually my son grew up and moved out and my wife and I divorced. In 2016 I moved to an apartment near Logan Square and had to find my Popeyes hook up. Luckily, the location at the corner of Diversey and California (2800 W Diversey Avenue) was there to help me out.

I may have loved Popeyes before then, but now I was in lust. This location absolutely, 100% killed it every single damn time I visited. They never forgot napkins. They never forgot sporks. The chicken always tasted as if it JUST came out of the fryer. I don’t know who is in charge of that location, but they run it as efficiently and as perfectly as I assume Charlie Trotter ran his restaurant back in the day. Every person behind the mic when you order and every person at the window when you pull up is kind and helpful. After years of slowly degrading work ethics in fast food places, this location still stands as the best run of any I’ve ever been to.

But then I had to move to…Lansing, IL. Oh there’s a Popeyes in Lansing, alright. The problem is it’s terrible. The staff seriously do not give a shit about you, your food, what they do, what they don’t do, etc. 1 out of 10 times I have received both the right order, with napkins, with sporks and with all of the food at the correct temperature. The last straw was a couple of months ago when I put my order in through the Popeyes app. I drove through the drive-thru (the option I chose on the app) and told the speaker my name and order number. I was told to come to the window. I was asked again what my name was and then to go park somewhere indecipherable to wait. So I pulled into the front of the store. Eventually moving because the lawn maintenance crew needed more room to enter the parking lot. So I moved to the parking lot and waited. And waited. And waited. After 25 minutes and after seeing someone come out to hand a bag of food to someone who showed up 10 minutes after I did, I went back through the drive-thru. Finally getting my meal, I headed home. And found: no napkins, no sporks, the wrong drink and cold, nearly petrified chicken. I had to complain to Popeyes via the app. They were understanding and refunded me the entire meal. That was it for the Lansing, IL location and me.

But I wasn’t done with Popeyes yet. I visited the Diversey location a couple of times after and the chicken was as it always was: perfect. Then I visited the generally reliable Dolton, IL location on Sibley Boulevard recently and it was subpar. My patience for Popeyes was dangerously close to being destroyed.

Today I was out doing some rideshare driving on my day off from my day job - I’ll give you a minute to contemplate that bit of insanity - and was in the Hazel Crest, IL area having just dropped someone off. My initial thought was to set a destination to the Raising Cane’s location in Oak Lawn, IL. But then I remembered there was a Popeyes nearby that I had passed. I said to myself - just go there and grab some nuggets and a mac and cheese and be done with it.

I get up to the speaker and immediately there’s trouble. The person on the other end doesn’t seem to hear anything I’m saying. Same old speaker set up, but somehow a brand new TV menu. Makes total sense. Ask for mac and cheese. They’re out of mac and cheese. So I get the mashed potatoes. I get up to the window and they don’t have the sauce I wanted. So I just take ranch and Mardi Gras mustard. I park nearby, dig into the bag. No napkins, no spork, no Mardis Gras mustard. I could feel my blood pressure rising from my inner anger.

I ate the food and decided right there and then that I was breaking up with Popeyes. I can’t keep doing this. It’s not me, it’s you Popeyes. Your quality control has gone in the toilet and I can’t do it anymore. You don’t make me happy anymore. I’ll be going out of my way to get my fried chicken from either Fry the Coop in Tinley Park, IL or a Raising Cane’s location or even chicken from Jewel’s deli. Hell, even KFC, which began its slow descent into sub-mediocrity. Like sex, when I want truly superior fried chicken, I’ll just do it myself. I just can’t have your bullshit in my life anymore.

Maybe, just maybe, if I am near the Diversey location, I’ll stop by. But, in the immortal words of Michael Corleone: “You broke my heart Popeyes. You broke my heart.”